The people who actually think about you often, like your family, partner, and closest friends, like you because they get to see the rawest form of you.
And yet it’s easy to obsess over how you appear to passing acquaintances and strangers, the very people least likely to ever give you a second thought. That person who saw you picking your nose on the commute home? They woke up with a hitch in their neck, worked against a crushing deadline all day, and wish they could unsend that mass text that said “Let’s celibate!” instead of “Let’s celebrate!” They’ve forgotten you.
After all, how often do you think of others? We overestimate how much others judge us, let alone notice us. Most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to give you more than a passing thought. By default, we’re forgettable because every person is living a life as vivid and complex as our own (there’s a word for this: sonder).
If you’re prone to overthinking, to living in your head, this is a freeing realization.
Few of your embarrassments will be remembered. Even if your mistakes are remembered by others, those people may drift out of your life. If they constantly nag you about your mistakes, maybe they’re not worth being around. And ultimately, they will die. So will you.
Thinking about what others might be (but almost certainly aren’t) thinking about you is a waste of time. Worse, it can make you so self-conscious that you become dull.
Shyness is often just excessive self-absorption wrapped in fear. In particular, a fear of falling short of idealized, unrealistic expectations. (You must forgive yourself for not being perfect.)
Discomfort and anxiety are contagious. But so are warmth, openness, and ease. Sometimes you have to be vulnerable so you can help others be comfortable. Then you can build the kind of connections that are worth… well, remembering.
“…You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.”
~David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest (Book)
~I discovered this quote in Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace, but have seen versions attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt and Mark Twain. The oldest comes from Samuel Johnson in 1751: “If any man would consider how little he dwells upon the condition of others, he would learn how little the attention of others is attracted by himself.”
